The story of Bob

bobOur friend Bob showed up every weekend to bring my husband coffee—I mean, to visit his mother–at the rehab where he works. Like clockwork, he would stop in with a Dunkin Donuts coffee and an egg sandwich and twenty minutes or so of chat. He looked forward to his visits and over the years they became good friends.

Bob had been complaining of shoulder pain that was not getting better, so Bill finally convinced him to see his doctor for an x-ray. “Just go do it,” he told Bob. Finally, he did.

The pain in his shoulder wouldn’t be going away any time soon.

Bob’s pain wasn’t from a pulled muscle, or a rotator cuff injury, or even a herniated disc. Bob’s pain was from a tumor that had metastasized to his bones from his stage 4 lung cancer that he didn’t know he had.

Really? Really? He went to see his doctor to fix his shoulder and came home with a terminal diagnosis and a four to six month prognosis.

He broke the news slowly to people on a need-to-know basis. His wife. His twenty-two year old daughter. And of course, his friend Bill.

Then, he went into overdrive. He readied his house for sale. He purged all of his possessions. He didn’t want to leave anything for his wife and daughter to deal with if he could do it himself before he died. He made an exit plan that focused on the people that he cared about, and he got it done.

He never once complained. He never thought about himself. Instead, he said, “Okay, this is how it is. What can I do to make this easier for my family?”

Bob died four months after he was diagnosed. He was fifty-two.

His is greatly missed.

The right words at the right time

Today, someone told me something that I really needed to hear.

We have been dealing with an ongoing issue for years and things rarely go our way. This year there are some new people involved, one of whom we know from another area of our lives.

These were the words: “I’m on your side.”

After she said them, I felt a subtle shift, and my thoughts about the situation in which we are both involved changed.  I started having new, different, more positive thoughts. I felt less anxious. Suddenly, I started tearing up.  I breathed through it. Everything might actually turn out okay, I thought.

Later on this afternoon, I was in other circumstances that became emotional and I started tearing up again. I went to sit in my car. I called my husband at work, which I rarely do at that time of day because I know it will be difficult for him to come to the phone. I was lucky enough to reach him and then, for the second time today, someone told me something that I really needed to hear.

This is what he said: “Everything is going to be alright.”

Everything is going to be alright.

Midlife Monkey Mind

I’ve been on overload these past few weeks, with my mind overly full of stress-inducing thoughts. Sleeping has been a challenge. Lying awake from 1:30-4:30am two nights ago, I trotted out all my tricks for putting myself back to sleep: saying my ABC’s, counting backward from 100, tensing and relaxing muscle groups, saying the So Hum meditation.

Today at yoga, the instructor coincidentally included the So Hum mediation in our class. My mind had been racing a mile a minute right up until I heard Kristen say those two words, when it screeched to a halt…for a second. I started saying the words: so hum…so hum…so hum…

Then I became aware of something interesting: although my mental voice was indeed repeating the so hums dutifully as requested, another channel in my mind was still gyrating with the monkey mindedness of my midlife brain. It never stopped. Even as my ‘good girl’ brain was desperately trying to fulfill the teacher’s request to meditate on the fact that “I am”, the ‘bad girl’ brain carried on obsessing with wild abandon.

Note to self: shut of the monkey mind when you meditate. It’s so much more effective.

After the fall

I had a disaster in my kitchen today. I was lifting down some big Pyrex mixing bowls from a shelf, something I’ve done dozens and dozens of times. Something I do almost every day. I was lifting them down to put one back in the stack. As I brought the stack down to the counter, suddenly I heard a crash. I think I heard it before I realized what happened. One moment I was lowering the bowls to the counter, then next moment I had no bowls in my hands and there were millions of pieces of glass covering every inch of my kitchen counter, floor, and my feet.

I was shaking, so I just stood there for a minute while I took stock and tried to breathe. I know that cuts don’t hurt at first, so I was looking for blood to see how bad the damage was. Unbelievably, all of the cuts, and they were few, were superficial.

The damage to the Pyrex was worse: My 2 favorites bowls were broken: the large yellow and the large Amish.

I told my daughter and her friend to stay in her room. I realized my son was home so I called him. “I need help.” He said, “Give me a minute,” then came up, looked around, asked me if I was okay, then got to work. I would like to say that he helped me clean it up, but really, he cleaned it all up while I picked up shards of glass then put them back down again, still too shaken up to do much at all.

I thought of all that while I was walking on the beach later on this morning. I looked at the ocean and thought: The ocean makes everything better.

I was wrong though. After a few moments, I realized this: Family and friends make everything better.  I lost nothing. I have everything.

Easter

How do you celebrate Easter? Even though my kids are older now, and the Bunny has been found out, we still celebrate the holiday in much the same way we did when they were little. I make Easter Baskets of some sort for them. I hide eggs for them to find in an Easter Egg Hunt.

Tip: to keep your older kids interested, instead of candy or colored eggs, hide plastic ones with cash in them.

We have dinner with family and friends. I over-bake when I am entrusted with bringing the dessert course and then over-eat everything put in front of me. I always make “Church Window” cookies in honor of my grandmother. She always made them for me growing up because I loved them and she loved me. I still do the Easter Egg Hunt because my father loved to do that for us when we were little and so now I do it for my kids, but also to honor my dad.

I went for a walk on the beach this morning and was thinking about how Easter was my father’s favorite holiday (I think) and St. Patrick’s Day was my mother’s favorite. I wondered what my kids think my favorite holiday is?

Pen pals

I have a new pen pal! It happened like this: I got an email from a reader of one of my myriad online writings. She took a leap of faith and asked if I wanted to correspond, either via email, traditional mail, or both. She shared information about her life, her family, her country.

She is from Germany by way of Italy, and it is through my love of All Things Italian that we came in contact with each other. I was hesitant at first to say too much; after all, you don’t get to be a midlife woman in New England without hearing all sorts of stories of scammers presenting themselves as Something Other Than Who They Are.

But then a funny thing happened: I decided to take a leap of faith too. As part of my year of turning 50, I had previously decided that,when presented with an idea that appeals to me, to just go with it. No whim will be turned away. So I answered her email.

I have had other writing relationships over the years.  When I was in middle school, there was a pen pal in Korea (not sure how I became “pals” with her; probably a school project). When my friend Sheila moved many states away from me (sob!) about 22 years ago, we started writing to ease the pain. We continued, too; even though I stubbornly resisted, we eventually switched to email from legal pads and are still writing to each other nearly every day, all these years later.

Come to think of it, I have many “email pals” among my friends now. We ‘talk’ through texting, emailing, and IM’ing. Since all of us are so busy, it allows me to include my friends in my daily life, friends whom I might otherwise go long stretches of time without seeing.

Hel-lo? In the 22 years since Sheila left, we’ve seen each other in person twice, I think (forgive me if that’s wrong, Sheila, but you know how the midlife memory works–it doesn’t!).

How do you maintain friendships?

Movie free association

I was in yoga class (small group, all women) last week and someone (okay, it was me) started talking about how Sleepless in Seattle had been on TV the night before.

Soon, everyone was mentioning their “go-to” movies, the ones that you have to watch whenever they are on TV, even if you have the DVD already, and even if it’s on Netflix.

Here’s the master chick-flick list:

  1. Sleepless in Seattle
  2. You’ve Got Mail
  3. It Could Happen to You
  4. The Wedding Planner
  5. Must Love Dogs
  6. The Bridges of Madison County
  7. Something’s Got to Give
  8. While You Were Sleeping
  9. When Harry Met Sally
  10. Say Anything
 
The men: George Clooney, Jack Black, Hugh Jackman, Matthew McConaughey, John Cusack…
Who’s YOUR favorite?
What are the movies that you have to watch whenever they come on TV (even if you already own the dvd/blu ray/video)?

My one word, 2012

Last year I was inspired by My One Word to choose one word as my New Year’s Resolution.  I chose “Edit”, which soon morphed into two words, “Focus”. I optimistically wrote my words on an index card (one on each side, so I was still looking at just one word at a time!) and put it on my desk.

As you can see, it soon became surrounded by other words…is that wrong?

This year I chose “focus” again (guess why!) and added “balance” as my second word, after attending a yoga class taught by my favorite yoga teacher (and friend), Kristen, on New Year’s Eve.

Soon thereafter, however, I came across a Facebook post by another friend, Jody, that mentioned the word “hope” in connection with 2012. Then today, another image depicting the word “hope” showed up in my email inbox.

I can take a hint; I’m figuring out that I need to add “hope” to that mix.  Therefore, I’m officially adopting “hope”  as my third word for 2012.  Hey, three is my favorite number anyway!

Not wasting my vacation

I think that it’s very important to get out of your rut–I mean, routine–on your vacation week. This is especially challenging, of course, if you are taking (yet another) staycation. Having part of your time off fall during the holidays can make it a little easier to break out…as in the  “Hel-lo? What day is it?” situation in which I found myself just after Christmas. Still, the gym on Tuesday and Thursday, food shopping on Saturday line up could definitely stand some tweaking.

Sunday: Christmas. ‘Nuf said.

Monday: Clean up the house, rest up from the holiday, dinner at Olive Garden. Happily, I found the $4 off dinner coupon prior to paying and then remembered to use it.

Tuesday: Friends came over to make home-made, authentic egg rolls. Last time we made chicken and shrimp. This year, to change it up some (hey, it is vacation!) we made a third version: spicy pork, which ended up being a hit.

Wednesday: Pirates game (a present for the fam) after dinner at Binga’s Wingas (a present for Dad).

Thursday: Friends day. Lunch with former colleague for our rescheduled gift exchange, then scrapbooking for the first time in a year and a half, with more friends. The understanding kind that are not shocked that, despite your good intentions, you did not remember to organize your stuff and print out the Christmas pictures to use that day. Hey, it’s all about friends, right? UPDATE: This event did not actually happen and will be rescheduled. Instead, I went to Kohl’s and bought some cute things on clearance. Yay!

Friday: Shopping at the mall with my tween with her gift cards. Got an $89.50 fur-lined hoodie at Aeropostle for $10!!!  This was followed by eating w/reckless disregard for the future at the Buffet of Gorging and Obscene Excess at the mall. Then we saw We Bought a Zoo at the movies. May I just say: Go. See. It. It was excellent. We both loved it. Movie watching was accompanied by popcorn and Peanut M+Ms (aka “the devil”).

Saturday: New Year’s Eve. Chinese buffet at East and Just Dance 3 on the Wii to work (some of ) it off. Yoga first thing in the morning.

Sunday: New Year’s Day: Pajama day! Read stack of books and magazines that have been piling up. Went for a walk. More Wii. And…let the healthy eating begin!!!! Egg whites, soup, salad were on the menu. Really.

One of the best vacations ever. 🙂

Homemade eggrolls with friends

Last spring (we finally agreed that it was in the spring; I thought it was in the summer) my husband and I got together with another couple of friends to make authentic homemade egg rolls. Our friends make them every 3 or 4 months at home, but were gracious enough to drive an hour and a half (in each direction) to come to our house and remind us how to make them too.

They arrived with some supplies in tow. This time we were better prepared with a borrowed Fry Daddy; last time we shared theirs. They also brought their Tupperware mixing bowl that is the size of a kiddie pool. It was almost big enough. I kicked myself one more time for selling my identical bowl at a yard sale years ago. Other nice to have equipment was the food processor that we bought last year for this occasion.

We took a field trip together to Hannaford’s for the produce: carrots, cabbage, onions (they were out of scallions) and the cellophane (I think) noodles. They brought the wrappers with them. Let me tell you that shredding all those vegetables, not to mention frying the egg rolls, makes one hell of a mess. Our friends cleaned up everything, including all the oil spatter from tandem frying in the Fry Daddy’s. It wasn’t pretty.

We made three varieties: chicken, shrimp, and an experiment: pork. My husband wondered what would happen if he mixed Ah-So Sauce with ground pork and stuffed them into the egg rolls. They turned out great! Next time we’ll drain them of some of the extra fluid prior to cooking because they turned out a little darker than the other egg rolls, but that did not affect the taste. 🙂

Here’s a slideshow of the fun:

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We can’t wait till spring so we can make them again! 🙂