Still becoming

January 5, 2014 by Karen, posted in Adult children, Angels, family, good grief, Midlife Crisis, movies, no fear, relationships

When my mother was 51, she was busy getting ready to die, but she didn’t know this yet. Well, maybe she did know it on some level, but she never talked about it with me pre-diagnosis so I really can’t be sure. Certainly none of us, her children, her husband, knew it yet.

I’m 51. At 51, I feel like I am still becoming who I am. At 51, her life was drawing to a close.

Seeing The Secret Life of Walter Mitty has me thinking about things like this today. Walter Mitty is about many things. It’s about living your life, but also it’s about how you live it. You can spend it offsides, thinking about what you wish you were doing or imagining all that you’d like to (someday) do. Or, you can, at any time, decide to actually do the thing(s) that you thought you could not ever do.

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

― Eleanor Roosevelt, You Learn by Living: Eleven Keys for a More Fulfilling Life

In the movie, it was a fine line. Walter Mitty crossed it. I don’t think that my mother ever crossed it. I am wondering if I have crossed it.

Interwoven throughout Mitty are images of his past that are meaningful to him. They are there to let him know that a) he is on the right track and that b) both of his parents, his dad who had died when he was 17, and his mother who was still alive and baking clementine cakes for him, were there supporting him every step of the way.

For me, the real message of this movie is this: No matter what, we are always our parents’ child.

NaNoWriMo, here I come!

November 1, 2013 by Karen, posted in NaNoWriMo, no fear, writing

So I think it’s true that the more you write, the more you write. Why?

Because it’s almost 11PM and I’ve been up since 5AM and I am sitting here writing this.
Because it’s Day 1 of National Novel Writing Month and I have been sitting here on this hard, hard chair writing for the past three hours to reach my 2000 word per day goal (which I did meet! I did! Yay me!) and still I am sitting here writing this.
Because even after I did meet my goal, I was motivated by my fellow writers on the NaNo Maine Facebook page to write just a little bit more and still I am sitting here writing this.

Maybe Homeopaths are on to something…like really does attract like.

😉

Boldly going

October 26, 2013 by Karen, posted in (it's all about the) food, Date night, Marriage, no fear

My 51st birthday was this year.

When I picked out a cake and asked the person behind the bakery counter to write on it, this was what she wrote: “Happy 50-First Birthday Karen”.

I know, right?

I decided that might be a sign. What if, I thought, I did some things for the ‘first’ time in my 50-“first” year?

And so I have been (informally) doing just that. The most recent thing I did for the first time was going to the Fryeburg Fair. While there, I went on…wait for it… a RIDE. Okay, so maybe not for the first time ever, but for the first time this decade.

I used to love to go on rides. When I was growing up, my grandmother lived within walking distance of Paragon Park in Hull. Needless to say, I grew up going on the rides-lots of them. My parents actually met at that park. We went all the time and I went on every ride, including the most vomit-inducing rollercoasters, with no problem at all.

I stopped going on rides when I was in my thirties. Somehow, the act of giving birth had reorganized my physiology such that when I even thought about going on a ride I got dizzy and nauseated. Sad, but true. I also joined the legions of people who get car sick when riding in the back set of the car, but I digress. Full disclosure: I did try to ride the Tea Cups at the Acton Fair several years ago, but that did not go well. Let’s just leave it at that.

Anyway, I went on the ride. It was one that I loved from Paragon Park when I was a teenager. It was called something different then: The Matterhorn, maybe? Now it’s called The Thunderbolt, but it was the same ride that I remembered from the 70’s.

I didn’t get sick. Nope. I was laughing and yelling and waving my arms around like a kid.

What I learned from this experience is this: my teenage self? She is alive and well and just waiting for opportunities to come out and play. Maybe yours is too.

Lost at sea

August 24, 2013 by Karen, posted in local fun, Midlife Crisis, no fear, the beach

I love to go to the ocean. I go every day that I possibly can, rain or shine, summer or winter. Even if I only have 1 hour…hell, even if I only 5 minutes, I go.

One thing that I don’t often do, however, is swim in it. It’s not that I don’t want to (I do!), or that I am a wimp about how cold the Maine ocean water is (I am! But I go in any way!). It’s because I’m nearsighted.

Stupid reason not to go in? Maybe. If I am with others, it’s not so bad. I can take off my glasses and fear not: there are people other than me nearby with a stake in my well-being. I can be reasonably certain that I will make it back from the ocean, back to my glasses and thereby restoring my vision, within a reasonable time frame. When I am by myself, well, let’s just say that there are no guarantees.

But for the first time this year, I gave it a shot. I took off my glasses and put them in the case. I put the case into the bright pink beach bag that I brought with me. I positioned my chair so that it was right next to the stairs I took to get down to the beach. I took note of landmarks near my chair (2 large hotel/motel buildings). I walked a bee-line straight into the water. I continually checked my landmarks as best as I could while I was swimming.

When I was finished swimming and attempted to retrace my bee-line, I felt my confidence slipping as I neared where I thought I had left my things, but no bright pink bag was in sight. I was getting nervous…what would I do? I mentally rehearsed my opening line: “Excuse me-I know this is going to sound odd, but I’m lost…”

It was unnecessary after all. I suddenly saw my pink bag…2 people had put up their umbrella and placed their chairs directly in front of my spot.

Really? Really?

The next day I ordered some prescription swim goggles.

50: The year I got old

March 30, 2013 by Karen, posted in (it's all about the) food, Adult children, family, fitness, health, Midlife Crisis, no fear, Turning 50

I was thinking about how I have been in a funk these past several weeks, when I realized, no, it’s actually been several months now that I’ve been feeling this way. I realized what is partly affecting my mood and my decisions is this: I feel old.

My skin looks old.
All of my joints hurt all the time so I don’t want to exercise.
If I do exercise, all my muscles hurt the next day.
My bowel pattern is a constant concern.
No matter what time I go to bed, or how late I sleep in the morning, I’m still tired all the time.
I don’t want to do any work anymore.
I don’t want to eat “healthy” anymore. I want cappuccino whoopie pies and DQ blizzards and apple crisps and Peanut M+M’s every frikkin’ day.
I don’t even want to read anymore because my expensively, progressively, trifocally, Transitions vision sucks.

How’s that for pathetic? After I read my list it dawned on me: I’m depressed. SAD probably, since this is the longest, coldest, snowiest winter in the last, what, million years.

My daughter was reading this over my shoulder without my knowledge as I was writing it. A little while later she said,

She: “Mom, it’s not true.”

Me: “What’s not true?”

She: “That stuff you were writing; it’s not true.”

My daughter: yep, think I’ll keep her.

Resolutions

January 25, 2013 by Karen, posted in books, Midlife Crisis, no fear, quest for the best, Turning 50

I remember getting to the end of 2011 and thinking “What an awful year this has been,” and hoping 2012 would be better. Fast forward one year: I remember getting to the end of 2012 and thinking, “What an awful year this has been,” and hoping 2013 would be better.

I’m sensing a pattern here, people.

So, when I saw this online course on The Daily Om’s website, The Best Year of Your Life by Debbie Ford, of course my interest was immediately piqued. Then I thought, “What if this year, instead of just hoping that it would be a better year (reference the definition of insanity), I took some active, conscious steps to try to make it happen?

What this course has going for it:

It’s online. No hauling my sorry ass out of the house in -1 degree weather to get to it.
It’s relatively cheap: $21 for the year.
No stupid, exorbitant, deal-breaking shipping and handling charges are tacked on at the end.
It’s structured. I like structure.

I am not sure if I’m going to sign up for this course or not, but I’m leaning toward it at the moment. Debbie Ford has written a book with a similar title The Best Year of Your Life: Dream It, Plan It, Live It (2005), but so often I buy books then put them in the to read pile, where the languish indefinitely. It might be 2014 before I find it again, and then 2013 might end the way 2011 and 2012 did.

What good would that be?

Feelin’ Squatchy?

January 13, 2013 by Karen, posted in Midlife Crisis, no fear

My husband and I started watching Finding Bigfoot (hey, these Maine winters are looooonnnnnnnnggggggggggg) on the Animal Planet channel recently. At first I started watching it to humor him (hey, he paid it forward by watching The Good Wife all these months with me–thank you, honey!) but then I discovered something…

I really don’t know how or why it happened, but I suddenly realized…

I wanted to watch it! I was looking forward to watching it! Hey, it’s Sunday night, and “There’s something on the hill!”

The cast contains one woman, field biologist Ranae Holland. Ranae is the kind of gal who goes camping. Deep in the woods. Alone. For, like, 2 days. In a very small tent. Without a weapon.

She also travels with the the guys to various locations to check out Bigfoot sightings, where they talk to people about their experiences and then try to recreate them. This often includes hours of grown men howling at each other in the woods at 3:00AM.

You can’t make this stuff up.

She is also the voice of reason in this boys’ club. The men (Cliff, Bobo, and Matt) are always ready to give the benefit of the doubt to the ‘witness’ who thinks (s)he saw or heard a Bigfoot. Ranae, on the other hand, is always ready to tell them that their story is a crock of shit. She doesn’t even believe in Bigfoot, yet she scored this job and is doing what she loves to do…and getting paid for it. Go, Ranae!

She is my hero.

The lesson here is clear: Never underestimate the transformative powers of the Squatch.

Gratitude

January 12, 2013 by Karen, posted in books, family, friends, Midlife Crisis, no fear, Turning 50

I passed by the TV in the common area at work and they were interviewing someone or other (I am guessing it was Gretchen Rubin) who was talking about how important it is to write down things for which you are grateful. Further, if you take the time to write a gratitude list, you will be happier.

If they say it on The Today Show, it must be true, right?

I am no stranger to the gratitude list. I have twice in years past kept an official Gratitude Journal. I faithfully (well, usually) wrote down 5 things every day for which I was grateful. I thought about doing it this year, too. . . and that’s all I did. I thought about it, then it went the way of so many of my great thoughts…just completely disappeared from my head until I saw this post’s title that I started a week ago and forgot about (hello, midlife monkey mind).

I know what stopped me: I didn’t buy The Gratitude Journal and so therefore I could not record my gratefulness! Then I stumbled upon this site:

The Simple Abundance online Gratitude Journal

Yay! Excuses begone! I am taking the plunge with the online journal. I don’t think a day goes by that I am not on the computer for something (email, Facebook) so it should be easy, right?

Right?

Here’s today’s:

January 12, 2013
1		Spicy Eggnog Coffee
2.		Sleeping until I wake up without the alarm
3.		No appointments
4.		My family and friends
5.		My new job

You don’t have to pay to sign up if you don’t want to. Just type into the feature, then cut and paste it to a folder on your desktop.

I’m feeling happier already!

Ode to snow, part 1

December 30, 2012December 30, 2012 by Karen, posted in family, health, no fear

It snowed last night.

A lot.

You know; the kind of snow that makes it almost impossible to open your freakin’ back door and get out of your house? Worse, it fell on top of the same kind (and amount) of snow that fell two days ago. The large accumulations that always come when the weather people are forecasting a dusting to an inch. The kind that always comes when your husband is out of state and your adult son is unable to help. Massive snowfall.

I woke up my (adult) son.

Me: “Hey, give me your car keys and I’ll start your car. What time do you have to be at work? You’re going to need some extra time today.”

Him: “Hrumph.”

I started his car. I cleaned it off. After he left, I woke my (teenaged) daughter. Made her lunch. Then I grabbed my snow gear (note: it is really MOM who needs the snow pants, not the kids) and headed outside to (try to) shovel.

You know, it’s hard to shovel when the snow banks are over your head.

As I was freezing my ass off (25 degrees here) and my feet were going numb (my knee high boots were too short; the snow was higher and piled into them every time I took a step, and my socks had migrated somewhere into the boot and were no longer covering my feet), my thoughts were interrupted by my aforementioned (did I say she’s 13?) daughter waving and smiling at me from the window.

What is wrong with this picture?

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…to be continued…

Back in the saddle again. Not.

November 3, 2012 by Karen, posted in (it's all about the) food, fitness, health, Karen's Kitchen, Marriage, Midlife Crisis, no fear

I was thinking that now that the kids are back in school, I should resume my walking routine. I used to walk 3 miles or so every morning around 6:45am, before I did anything else…even before I went to the gym or yoga class. I did it every day just like clockwork.

Until I stopped.

Why did I stop? Or why did I tell myself that I stopped?

Because it was too cold.
Because it was too dark.
Because I was too Goddamned tired.
Because skipping one day couldn’t hurt, right?
Because it was hunting season and my husband (well, most of the time) didn’t want me to risk getting shot by an idiot hunter who mistook my white mittens for a deer’s tail. This really did happen to someone (thankfully not to me).

The real reason, though, is this: I just hate to exercise, pure and simple. There are long spans of time when I convince myself to forget this, usually in the summer and early fall, when I can distract myself by looking at the ocean while I walk.
This time of year? Not so much. Like today, for example. I drove to the beach with good intentions. I was going to walk for 30 minutes or so. When I got there I realized that I had not worn my sneakers, plus it was high tide right up to the wall.

I mean, what could I do? I ask you.

Good thing I brought my book and a small baked good (of the pumpkin variety) to ease my disappointment over not being able to get that walk in after all.

Maybe tomorrow…