Missing my mother

IMG_3330It’s Mother’s Day, and I am missing my mother.

My mother died. Nineteen years ago. Sometimes I am embarrassed by the tears that can suddenly overtake me when I realize that I am still missing her so much. Really? At almost 53 years old?

Really.

Sometimes the emotion sneaks up on me so fast and is so strong that it takes my breath away. But it’s been so long, I think. I shouldn’t still feel so bad, I think.

The truth is that I didn’t appreciate her enough while she was still alive. I left her in a million ways before she left me.

Now that I am the mother in this complicated mother-daughter algorithm, I have insights that I lacked then. It wasn’t until I became a mother that I realized all the ways that my mother was there for me that I didn’t even know about.

We are connected forever to our mothers. My mother carried me inside of her, and now I carry her inside of me. Whenever I wonder if she is still with me, I get a huge rush of feeling-love?- that assures me of her continued presence in my life. Just like when she was still alive, she is always as close as I will allow her to be.

 

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8 thoughts on “Missing my mother

  1. minicooper10

    Wow. If I wasn’t so stunned by the beauty of what you said, I’d have more to say than “wow.”

    Reply
  2. Carol Noble

    Karen, your writing is so beautiful. I miss my mother too. She was 63, my age, when she died. 29 yrs Ago. Thanks for putting my feelings, like yours, into words. ❤️ Carol Sent from Carol’s iPhone 208-286-7382

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    Reply
  3. kwrites Post author

    Oh, Carol! My mother was diagnosed when she was the age that I am now, and died two years later. It’s hard, isn’t it? But talking with each other eases it some. Thank you.

    Reply
  4. Kathy Mochi

    No shame in missing your mom Karen. I still miss nana, auntie Mary and my mother. I dream of her and your mom as well as my mom all the time. The dreams seem to let me know they are together and not missing each other the way that you and I miss them, they way they missed each other before joining each other in everlasting life. I feel the same emotions that you do. I miss my mom so much it really makes me cry quite a bit. I hate when my kids see me get so sad about her. It makes them sad and they want to take the sadness from me. But they(my children) are the strongest and even stronger because they know how important the relationship between mother and child can be. They carry us when we are down and we are there for them when they need us . Relationships are like that give and take, ups and downs but in the end true love is true love that never lets go. Love you KAC
    PS Happy almost birthday.

    Reply
    1. kwrites Post author

      Thanks, Kathy. I miss all of our ‘foremothers’ too. I dream about them sometimes, and I know that it’s them visiting me. They don’t visit me often enough, but that is also a lesson for me, since I know they felt that I never visited them enough! One of the most precious gifts I received from my mother was this: she loved my child as much as I did. That meant everything.
      Love you too, Kathy. PS Happy (even closer!) almost birthday to you, too! 🙂

      Reply
  5. Henebury Christine

    The tears do surprise don’t they. My dad died nearly18 years ago and I still miss him. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes it feels like forever. As a mother of a daughter yourself you know that even as they push you away they are hugging you close and always will; your mom knew that too.<3

    Reply

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